Wednesday, December 21, 2011
You see, this blog was born out of bitterness, as evidenced by my very first post. I was going through the most awful time in my life, and a good friend suggested that I use blogger to vent and process. Before 2004, I had it all by the world's standards. I was a pastor, I had a wife and three amazing children, a cat, a dog, two cars, and a 4 bedroom house in a nice neighborhood. Appearances can be deceiving, however, and material things are not a guarantee of happiness. Often, the opposite is true.
My wife of 13 years left me for another man. My church asked for my resignation. Many (not all) of my friends threw me under the proverbial bus. Suddenly, a life devoted to God became a life devoted to being angry at God. I have been mad at so many people for so long. It has affected my mental and physical health.
I remarried in 2004, and I made a short "comeback" to the ministry in 2006, but I wasn't ready for either. Now the second marriage is only days away from being over.
For the last 14 months, I have been wondering how my life got so far off track. I have spent many nights in my apartment, alone, weeping, yelling, and trying to pray. I wanted answers. God gave me none. I wasn't ready. I resolved that I was to remain alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds melodramatic. I apologize. Sometimes it just comes out. But I meant it. I was going to remain single. Period.
This past March, someone walked into my life. She was someone I knew from 10 years earlier. When I saw her, I felt my heart skip a beat. I am certain I heard fireworks. I believe it was love at first sight. Laura is a strong Christian. Since day one, she has made me want to be a better man. She has shown me what a bitter man I have been. She makes me feel a happiness that no one else ever has. I really, truly, deeply love her. I didn't mean to, and I sure didn't want to.
So anyways...I have been feeling the tug to return to the ministry lately. I have NO idea in what capacity. I just know that nothing else I do gives me as much fulfillment. Nothing in all the world. I am going to finish my seminary degree. I will continue to do whatever I need to job wise, but my goal is to one day return to full time ministry. I don't know how, when, or where. I just know that I can't do anything else.
All bitterness is gone. Every last person has been forgiven. I hold no more grudges. I just want to move forward, taking what I have learned and allowing God to use it for His purposes. I want to enjoy my family, friends, and work. I want to feel better and live better. I can't go back to what was, but I am stoked about what can and will be!
If you have read this far, thanks. Pray for me. I need it now more than ever.
Oh yeah, and I am going to finish the novel.