Monday, September 14, 2009

An Apology and Thoughts on Regurgitation

Dear Faithful Readers of my humble blog,

I want to offer an apology for going off the other day on Congressman Joe Wilson and SC Politics as a whole. I am just a very passionate person, and sometimes leap from my heart before I use my head.

Two very wise people in my life, Anastasia Chernoff and Dr. Fredric Mau, have both told me that people make decisions based on the information that they have at the time. In other words, they act, react, speak, and think based on their own knowledge. I am one of those people, too. If I keep that thought in my mind, I tend to be more relaxed in my delivery, and I am also less inclined to bear my claws and attack.

Politics and religion are very impassioned and volatile subjects. Especially nowadays. We want our government and our churches to do the right things, and then we fight tooth and nail against it when they do. I don't know how to fix this, other than just to admit that I can't, and just have conversations with people.

I'm home today. Had horrible nausea and vomiting since last night. I even fell asleep during the Packer game. Frankly, I HATE throwing up. However, right afterward, there is such a feeling of relief and exhaustion.

Over the years, I have had to purge many attitudes, opinion, and predilections which were making me unbearable to live with. Especially in the last 5 years. It is not as important for me to be right all the time as it used to be. We live on such a large planet. There are so many individuals in this world and each one of us has a unique perspective on things. I think there would be more peace if we would just listen to one another. I didn't say,"agree," just listen. Talk it out, and be better for it.

Here is another subject close to the hearts of all my blogger buds: my career. In my blogging tenure, I have changed careers several times. Each time it was because of some need to find my place in this world. Change can be good, but too much change can have the opposite effect. Sometime, years ago, I lost my way. My son is a junior in high school this year. When I was his age, I had my whole life planned out. I knew what I wanted to do and who I was. I wanted to be a teacher and a writer. My 3 passions have always been teaching, music, and writing. I think my ministry calling was not genuine. I believe I went into the ministry to impress my now ex-in-laws. Since leaving the ministry, it is as though a weight has been lifted. As weird as that may sound, it is how I feel and I cannot help it. I don't believe that the years I was in the ministry counted for nothing. I have some wonderful memories of that part of my life. Far more good than bad ones!

So now, here I am, almost 42 years old. I recently asked a friend, "Do you remember the time in your life when you were the absolute happiest?" He looked at me, somewhat bewildered. I then proceeded to recount the time I believe I was happiest with my life. It was 8th grade. A close second would be 11th grade. I had lofty dreams. I wanted to be a teacher and a writer. In 11th grade, I also wanted to be a Musical Conductor. Somewhere between marrying, having children, and working to provide for them and now, I lost my way. I misplaced my passions. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Dad. My children are my greatest offering to this world, and sacrificing to take care of them is NEVER in vain. I would give all I have if it would make them happy.

Since leaving the ministry, I have been trying to find that great paying job in the IT industry. The longer I linger, the more I realize that "That pond is nearly all fished out." The jobs are just not there like they were in the 80s. I have been pursuing an MBA, and I enjoy the classes, but there is no passion, just knowledge. Even if I earned that MBA, I cannot be certain a good paying MBA type job will be there for me. Even if it were, I still wouldn't be happy. So, if you're interested, I will now share where I am going from here.

I am changing my major from MBA to Master's in Education. I would like to teach English or Creative Writing. However, I can also teach history, religion or philosophy with equal passion. I am also writing articles for RUSEmag.com, and I am very excited about this. Additionally, I am working on a novel and toying with a couple of short-stories. And James is home. It is great to be able to just call him up and go meet him somewhere without having to catch a flight (although I loved my trips to Seattle).

I feel sick to my stomach today. There has been much literal and figurative regurgitation. Aside from the nausea and bowl-hugging, I feel like I did when I was in the 8th and 11th grade: I know who I am, and why I am here, and I have rediscovered my passions.
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