Saturday, August 05, 2006
It Gets To Me Every Single Time
I just caught the last hour of FIELD OF DREAMS on HBO while flipping channels. I have seen this film many times. I even have it on DVD. It is truly one of my all time favorites. I must admit that the ending causes my tear glands to overflow every single time.
The next to the last line, "Dad? You wanna have a catch?" Is the place where I really lose it.
For me, the movie is very close and personal. I hardly knew my father. For many years, I didn't even like him. I ignored him. I was waiting for him to come crawling back to me and apologize for all of the broken promises and lost years. He never did, and I realized too late that he didn't have to. Like John Kinsella in the movie, he died way too soon. He never knew my wife or kids. He'd have gotten a real kick out of them, and vice versa.
I can honestly say that I would give absolutely anything for the chance to play catch with my Dad, whether it be here in Walterboro, or in an Iowa corn field. I would love to sit and listen to him tell stories of his time in the Navy, or stories of him growing up. I would like to ask him why he made some of the choices that he made. I would like to tell him I'm sorry for making him feel like I was too good for him. I would love to hug him and tell him that I was wrong, too. I would like him to know that our estranged relationship was more my fault than his. I would like to take him to lunch on Father's Day. I'd love to take a generational picture with him and my son. I'd like to watch old movies with him. I'd love to go fishing and hunting with my Dad. I'd love to talk about deep life issues with him, and hear what he thinks. I'd love to argue with him and have him argue back. We could work on cars together. Maybe he would watch wrestling with me. He could ride to church with us.
I suppose I could go on and on. The pain is very, very deep. Sometimes it lays quiet, other times it screams. Yet I live every day with the knowledge that it could have been different, but it is too late.
I am a Dad now, and I have always tried to be perfect. I'm not, and the kids are OK with that. I try to be there and be a part of their lives. That is all I can do. I try to teach them what I know and hope it helps. I even play video games (though I much prefer PONG and Super Mario Bros)!
Yes, my children will be much better off than I was as far as their Dad is concerned.
I do take a great deal of comfort from the fact that I have a Heavenly Father (Dad) who can do more for me than any earthly father. I love the Lord, and never want to be away from Him. Sometimes I yell at Him, and it occurs to me that it is more yelling at Dad than Him. It hurts, but I know I can go on. I have a beautiful wife and family, and I want to be there for them for as long as I can.
I have a purpose, and that is to "make disciples." My church family needs me, too.
WFJ needs me, and I need them. What potential there is to reach the multitudes!
The pain is there, but life can and will go on for me. I am glad.
If there is internet in Heaven, then I hope my Dad checks my blog. It would be cool if he could leave a comment. :o)